To Fondue or FonDon't

There is something weird going on. Just truly bizarre.  Dating, of late, or what has passed for dating in my world,  has been just plain odd.  There are ups and downs, and friends, we are in a seriously odd valley at the moment.   Statements such as, “my interests are Los Angeles and tattoos” are floated in my general direction.  (Do you mean getting tattoos? Are you a tattoo artist?  How can Los Angeles be one of your interests?  I need more information.   On second thought, no I don’t.)  

Then there was this message I received on the dating site I’m currently using, Plenty of Nothing.com.  It’s super awesome.  This message was unsolicited.  In his profile picture, our hero is wearing a jaunty fedora and what my Grandma used to refer to as “swim trunks.”  I’m sure he thought he was quite adorable. I’m bringing this message to you here, unedited except for a name change, so that you too can enjoy its hilarious weirdness.  It reads:

After a rigorously brief overview of your profile I wanted to let you know I have already married and divorced you in my mind.
Thanks for all the wonderful imaginary memories! You will always have a special place in my heart.

Your ex-hubby,

Big Head Bobby

P.S.
You can keep the dog and Spice Girls CDs, and I will keep the house in Hawaii and the pink Ferrari =)

My immediate thought was, “Shit, what kind of lousy divorce lawyer did I have?!  All I got was the dog and some CD’s, he got the house and a car?!”  And then I regained consciousness.  What the hell was that? I think it was an attempt at humor, and it sure did catch my attention, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say he missed the mark. By a wide margin.  

To think, all this could have been mine

And then there was Mr. FonDon’t. (Like instead of Fondue...FonDon’t, get it...Oh, the charm!  The WIT!!) We exchanged a couple of messages and texts and then he asked me out to dinner.  He seemed sweet, open and charming so I accepted. He suggested fondue, which I found curious because no one had ever suggested that in the past, but when you think about it, it’s a pretty good date.  It gives you a task/activity rather than staring at each other awkwardly if conversation runs dry. The fondue also lead me to believe that he was rather green at this whole dating thing, which I didn’t so much mind, but it was interesting.  I mean, fondue rather than coffee on Elmwood?  Who is this guy?  

I really did envision the need to use a fondue
fork as a shank in the restaurant parking lot.

This is where things get weird and really, really annoying. Cut to two days later, him texting me at 7 AM.  Yep.  7 AM.  Just to say "GOOD MORNING!!!!" With multiple exclamation points, just like that. Bitch please.  I’m a morning person, so perky I can annoy a Barista, but that is a whole new level of wtf.  Then he said he was going to change me to make me like hockey, (???)  then he said he wanted to take me to New York to see a baseball game.  Then he asked me to help him pick out a cat.  Boy, I sure do wish I were kidding about that last one. Please bear in mind that I had not yet met him. Before the cat comment,  I kept asking,  “Isn’t this kinda weird? Do I really have to go out on this date?”  and people around me kept saying, “Maybe he doesn’t do this much. Maybe he’s just a nervous texter. Just see what he’s like in person.”  Then the following conversation took place and I knew all bets were off.  It’s a text conversation between Mr. F and me, interspersed with comments from my dear friend Danielle.  Danielle is my friend most likely to tell me to open myself up to JOY!  And she means it!  She is very encouraging and always wants people to try new things and experiences.  Go meet that new guy!  Try that new hobby!  Go ROLLERSKATING!!!  The second she was fed up with Mr. F, I knew it was O-V-E-R.  The whole thing went something like this:
Mr. F: Do u have any pets??

Me: No, not for a while, though I love dogs.  Do you have pets?

Mr. F:  I’m thinking of getting a cat.  

Me to Danielle: I don’t care about this.  Why am I still talking to him.    

Danielle: You are still talking to him because maybe he is nice in person. And you are a nice person. The real question is why is a single guy getting a cat?  What bachelor pad has a cat? Can you picture a bachelor pad with a cat?  This is odd.  

Me to Danielle: Yeah, I guess, I don’t know that many single guys with cats. I mean, there’s that one guy...

Me to Mr. F: Wow, a cat.

Mr.F: I’m making a pro/con list about whether or not to get a cat.

Me to Mr.F: What are the cons?

Mr.F: There are no cons. That’s it, it’s decided on Saturday I’m going to the SPCA to pick out a roommate.

Danielle: Nope, now I want to punch this guy in the nuts. You know this dude is trying to ask you to help him pick out a cat.  

Me to D: Dear God...

Mr.F: So, I don’t think I’ll be much good at picking out a cat...

Me to D: I’m not responding to this, I may never respond again.  

Following this conversation came more weird comments asking if I was going to have an emergency phone call set to interrupt our date the next day.  How does one respond to this kind of message? I chose to not respond, which I hate doing but really, what do you say?  Yes, my Sicilian cousins will be in the corner ready to tear you limb from limb? No, no one loves me and or cares that I’m out with a stranger from the Internet?  

This person was not doing himself any favors.   It was as if he was just text bombing me with every random thought that came through his mind.  It occurred to me that if he had behaved this way BEFORE asking me to dinner I would never have accepted, so I made the decision to cancel our date. We hadn’t even met yet and I was fielding cat requests and 7 AM texts?  It was all just too much.  He was probably a nice guy, but I don’t think we would have been a match.  In hindsight, I should have shut it down a lot sooner.   Could it have been a magical evening with my soul mate?  Maybe.  Did I save myself from an uncomfortable evening where I  would steal a fondue fork as protection for the walk back to my car.  Possibly.  We will never know.  What I do know is that instead of having fondue with a complete stranger, Danielle and I made fondue, or what we were calling Fun Do, because we’re cool like that and it was delicious. Melted cheese and bread is perfect for a chilly winter’s eve when you are escaping the weirdness of the world. It's better than a stranger's cat any day!  

Cheese Fondue
½ lb Emmenthaler cheese, shredded
½ lb, Gruyere cheese, shredded
2 tablespoon cornstarch
1 clove garlic, halved crosswise
1 cup dry white wine
1 tablespoon lemon juice
1 tablespoon cherry brandy
½ teaspoon dry mustard
Things for dipping: bread, apple, broccoli, carrots, cauliflower, or cubed ham.  

Toss shredded cheeses and cornstarch in ziploc bag and place in freezer.  Rub inside of medium sauce pot with garlic then discard.  Bring wine and lemon juice to slight simmer on medium heat. Ever so slowly, add cheese to wine and stir in zig zag pattern, to prevent it from seizing and balling up.  Do not let cheese boil.  Once it is smooth, add brandy and dry mustard.  Transfer to a fondue pot and serve with dipping items on the side.  Enjoy!  Serves 4.