So, it will surprise exactly none of you that I had put up some pretty high emotional walls. One looong, bad break up combined with several lousy dating experiences equals a very strong need to protect one’s heart from any further emotional tomfoolery, perceived or otherwise. And while it’s true, I was safe from further emotional devastation, I wasn’t really open to making a “love match” so to speak, despite what I otherwise thought. Enter the Farmer. The Farmer approached our blossoming courtship with a kind of gusto I have NEVER experienced. He was so smart and sweet, so earnest and funny, that I was overwhelmed. I practically had no way to process all of the sweet and lovely information coming my way. My walls had never before encountered a threat so intense. I would come home from dates shaken to the core--how could I both get to know this person AND keep up my guard? It eventually became clear that I couldn’t do both. I had to choose one or the other--the chance to open up, or the certainty to stay alone. My walls had been my companions in heartache for several years now (how uplifting!) and while I knew they were reliable, they wanted to keep me in at night and not out with potential suitors. Also, my walls made want to vomit every time I dressed for a date. I longed to get ready for a night on the town without downing a sleeve of saltine crackers. Super sexy. And so, slowly but surely, like Regan demanding of Gorbachev, I made the decision and conscious effort to tear down my own walls. It was hard and it was scary, but for the first time since my big, bad, break up I was letting someone in and it felt really good! For about ten minutes.
Turns out the Farmer had walls of his own. I learned after making this leap and letting go of my walls, that the Farmer had a big, bad break up of his own, one A LOT more recent than mine. He had thought he was ready to jump in but wasn’t. We made the decision not to see each other any longer. It was terrifying to feel that I had let down my walls for someone who wasn’t ready and of course it made me sad. Sad to think I wouldn’t see him anymore, but also sad because I knew where he was. I had been there myself. It’s a long, hard road to recovery, to feeling like yourself again, to feeling like you can share yourself again. But then I started to think about all that I had accomplished. That recovery stuff is tough but I had done it and I’m a much happier, stronger person! To quote my dear friend Shaun’s blog, I’ve done some shit. I know where I’ve been and where I’m going. So, yeah, this was sad and scary but guess what, I let down my walls, got hurt and kept moving. My walls are staying down.
